I remember during my first pregnancy with Benjamin, back in 2008, how amazed I was at the sheer volume of people that would stop me and offer their well-meaning advice, tips and insider information. As soon as I announced I was expecting, everybody from the woman-next-door to the lady in WHSmiths had something of the utmost importance to tell me – it got to a point where I’d lost track of the amount of sheer guff I was hearing.
|Apologies for the dreadful photo quality – courtesy of an incredibly old camera phone!|
As I’ve now officially put my child-bearing days behind me (the Husband: “I’d rather take a hammer to my nuts than go through that again”), I feel it’s sort of my duty to pass on some of these snippets of hilarity. So here they are, my top five pregnancy myths, in all their tosh-y glory.
1. The morning sickness always stops at the end of the first trimester.
Does it? For who? I guess this might be possible, but I’ve yet to meet a woman who got to week thirteen and suddenly sprang out of bed in the morning, large as life (no pun intended) and full of beans. During my first pregnancy, it eased a little at around the fifteenth week, but it certainly didn’t stop – I had endless, grinding nausea for the entire time. Same again the second time around – I was only ever sick once, but the nausea grated on me like nails down a chalkboard. And as for the myth about ginger biscuits helping, well, I’d rather have eaten a turd, quite frankly.
2. You’ll feel instantly closer to your boyfriend / partner / husband.
I suppose this could be true – but for me it certainly wasn’t. I’m a terrible patient when I’m ill, and even worse when pregnant; hormonal, rage-y, irritable and tearful. The person that got me into this situation was the Husband, so in all my oestrogen-fuelled fury, it made sense to make his life as miserable as humanly possible. Particularly if he did any of the following:
1. Rustled packets or clanked cutlery.
2. Left splashes of water on the floor.
3. Left crumbs on the kitchen worktop.
4. Forgot anything.
5. Disagreed with me about anything.
6. Didn’t think to buy me flowers.
7. Wasted money buying me flowers.
8. Bought the wrong chocolate, despite me telling him to choose for himself.
9. Stayed in.
10. Went out.
I also remember early in my first pregnancy, I found the smell of his face physically nauseating. And yet still he married me.
|Leggings ahoy – pregnant with Daisy 2011-2012|
3. Dressing during pregnancy is simple now there are so many great maternity clothing brands.
Two words: maternity jeans. Probably the most irritating things in the world. The under-bump ones, unless skin tight, feel like they’re about to sink to your knees at any moment, while their over-bump friends make you feel like you’re wearing a gigantic nappy. Seriously, how is it possible that anyone could think a woman is going to want to wear jeans with a huge piece of lycra attached, designed to reach their armpits?
I’d like to add a side-note to any clothing designers that might be reading – pregnancy does not necessarily equal huge knockers. Yes, lovely clothing company, I would have loved to have bought your comfortable-yet-stylish looking maternity dress, but unfortunately my shortcomings in the boob department mean that the top half is as limp as a wind sock on a calm day. Trust me, Isabella Oliver, nobody is more disappointed than me.
My tip? Buy leggings. Leggings with jersey dresses, leggings with tunics, leggings with your other half’s tshirts. Leggings, leggings, leggings. Those, and pyjamas.
4. Pregnancy gets easier each time you go through it.
Piffle. During my second pregnancy, I was anaemic, suffered from nausea for the entire time, had sciatica and SPD, looked after a three-year-old, and worked up until week thirty-three. The first time around, I spent a lot of time whining and taking naps. Go figure.
5. You’ll be desperate to keep the house clean towards your due date.
No you won’t. You’ll be desperate for someone else to come and clean it for you. Presumably because you’ll be too busy sitting in your leggings, eating biscuits and berating your partner. Ahem.